I can’t even enjoy holding a baby.

This sucks.  I know I use that phrase a lot, but it just sucks.  I’ve avoided newborns like the plague since last fall, just because I can’t stand the thought of holding a baby that isn’t mine.  I’m insanely jealous that pregnancy comes so easily for some people…… so why not me?

Anyways, I was over at a friend’s house last night and her SIL was there with her 3 month old.  My friend – I’ll call her D – is one I’ve been open with about the issues we’ve been having getting pregnant.  I’ve had to tell her a couple of times that “just relax,” “quit worrying,” and “don’t stress and it will happen” are NOT the best things to say to me…. and she’s been better about it. 

Until yesterday – D asks if I want to hold the baby.  I didn’t want to refuse with the baby’s mom sitting right there, so I took him for a few minutes and held him in my lap.  I’m not sure exactly how to describe what I felt – I didn’t really have the heart to babytalk, babble, or fawn all over him, because I wasn’t sure how I would react.  I couldn’t even enjoy holding him; it was almost like a mental block – I couldn’t give him back fast enough.

Words aren’t coming to me easy today, as I just reread the above paragraph.  Sheesh.

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