i can’t even think of a decent title.

i posted this yesterday on TTC 6+, but felt i needed to post it here, too.

my best friend told me on friday that she is pregnant….. an hour after getting my bloodwork back saying that i’m not.  she’s not just my best friend…. this is the girl i’ve known since i was 6.  we talk at least twice a day, our husbands are really close, and we’re always together every weekend.

and she’s not just “barely” pregnant – she’s 13 weeks.  i am happy for her and her husband, but at the same time, i feel like a selfish bitch because i can’t be thrilled/overjoyed/ecstatic right now.  of course, i cried when she told me, i congratulated her and hugged her, and told her i was excited for her, but at the same time, i cried because i can’t relate.  she’s going to be going through so much in the next few months, and i know she’ll want to talk about it, but i can’t imagine getting past the way i feel right now.

i’m also hurt because she waited so long to tell me…. and i know that she was probably having a difficult time having to break the news to me.  she said she wanted to tell me when my husband was around, but it didn’t work out that way.  they were “announcing” it at a party they were throwing last night, and she wanted me to know beforehand (thank god i had a wedding to shoot and missed it – but ended up making an appearance afterwards). 

the timing was just craptastic…. if i had known sooner, especially before finding out that our IUI didn’t work, i think i would have taken it a little better than i did.  i was physically sick the whole evening, fighting nausea, and throwing up a few times after i got there.  she tried to tell me how everyone reacted when they announced it, and i had to tell her she’d have to recap to me later…. it was all i could do to keep it together. 

i’m still crying every time i think about how she has what i want so bad.  how it happened so quick for them without months of effort, and how they seem to be moving on, while we’re just stuck.  i feel like we’re two completely different people now, and things won’t ever be the way they were.

i want to tell her that i’m not always going to be like this…. that i will have good days and bad days…. and that i will have to distance myself at times.  i want to sit down with her and explain this, but i don’t think i can without getting emotional.  sorry for the long rambling, but i’ve had no one to talk to about this, and i needed to get it off my chest.

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3 Comments

  1. Michelle said,

    November 23, 2008 at 7:17 pm

    I think you should let her read this blog post. It’s real and how you feel and hopefully since she is your bestfriend she will understand exactly why you feel the way you do.

  2. chrissybean said,

    November 24, 2008 at 4:23 am

    Hi there, I’ve been a lurker to your blog for a bit now. My husband and I (I’m 31 and he’s 30) have been trying since Oct of 07. it’s been frustrating to say the least. My best friend called me yesterday to tell me that she is pregnant (after only 2 months). I am excited and happy for her, but part of me is so jealous, it makes me angry that I feel this way. Don’t worry about how you feel…it’s natural. Best of luck to you.

  3. MayT said,

    November 25, 2008 at 11:35 pm

    Hey hunny..
    I can relate. I know how hard it is and how you don’t want to feel like a bitch, but just can’t help it. I would just sit her down (like you said) and explain it to her as best as you can. Getting emotional during the conversation is normal! Cry… bawl.. hug. If she’s as good of a friend as you make her sound, she’ll understand and work with you. Just be honest and open and I’m sure she’ll appreciate it and maybe even be touched that you opened up to her. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this …but keep your head up and your eye on the prize.
    XOXO
    MrsMayT


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